Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
