The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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