I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
