My nipple is on Facebook.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
