the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
