I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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