Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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