Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize