remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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