I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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