If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
why do cheetos always look like penises
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
