you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
