You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize