Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
now i know why i became what i already was.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
