so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
