Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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