Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
where are you?
Hypothermia
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
