Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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