Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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