i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
