went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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