listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
