the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
