I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
