Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
