She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
