I wish my penis had an off switch
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So much Jack, so little girl.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
