you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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