1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
