I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize