Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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