the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
