I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
