rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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