Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize