Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
