your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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