Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
