I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
