I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
