see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
