i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
