I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
