i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
