Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
