He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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