I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
