my phone needs a breathalizer
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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