i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
