You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
