so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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