They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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