My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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