The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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