She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
