how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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