just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
worst night to have a conscience
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
