I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Shame is for Republicans.
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