I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
