I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
