Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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