There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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