My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
