like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
