Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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