I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
